A message from one woman to another who may need to hear it

“There is something so deeply profound about the ways relationships can affect you, mentally, spiritually and physically. When I found myself in a deeply toxic relationship, one that was both mentally and emotionally abusive, I found myself feeling wildly out of control of my life. And it took me years to even realize that the relationship I was in wasn’t respectful, healthy, or okay. This was something that struck me, as I was sitting in my therapists office while she explained to me that the relationship I was describing was emotionally abusive. “I’m being abused?” I thought. On the one hand I felt extremely validated, that I wasn’t being crazy when I questioned whether the way I was being treated was okay. On the the other hand I felt…blind-sided. How could I, someone who I consider to be independent and strong, find herself on the other side of a relationship that was toxic and emotionally abusive without even knowing it?

It’s crazy what we’ll do to feel loved. As I look back at that relationship I wonder why I stayed. Why did I endure countless nights of crying myself to sleep, of isolation from friends and family, of days upon days of anxiety and fear- worrying whether or not he was mad at me? I realize now that it was because I wanted to feel loved. I blamed myself for being ‘unlovable’, I convinced myself I deserved that treatment. I crafted every waking minute of my life so that I could finally be loveable… I thought ‘maybe if I act just right he’ll finally be nice to me’…

I wanted to leave so many times. There were so many nights that I wondered what I was doing there, why was I letting myself stay in something I knew wasn’t good for me? I kept hoping he’d change and any time I’d see a glimmer of improvement on his part I would think ‘finally, this is it, things are going to get better’, even though they never did. I was lucky to eventually find a great support system of friends beyond the small circle he had created for me. I had started a new job and through that job I was able to meet people that helped me gain the perspective I needed to finally decide to leave. If I hadn’t had the support of friends who wanted the best for me, I fear I’d still be in that relationship to this day. Even my family didn’t know what was going on because he made me choose between my family and him. I had no one in my corner for the longest time.

When I met Charla, founder of Jackie’s WAR and mother to Jackie, the person whom this cause was founded in memory of, I immediately felt my heart ache. Jackie’s story was so familiar to me in many ways. If I hadn’t had a therapist who had told me what was happening wasn’t okay, if I hadn’t had help from people around me, if I hadn’t had a safe place to go, people to talk to- if I hadn’t had support, I don’t think I would have left. And too often women don’t leave. Jackie’s WAR felt so hopeful to me. It’s an amazing resource connecting women and men in a way that aims to empower women to seek healthy relationships and protect themselves from all kinds of abuse. I know so well what support meant to me when I was going through it. I’m glad I can now support Charla’s mission in bringing this kind of support to other women who need it the most.”

-An anonymous supporter and warrior in Jackie’s War